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[personal profile] hurricanelaura
So what can I tell you?

I'm cold, exhausted, and instead of sleeping like I should I'm up at Common Grounds writing. Before tonight I had been living on scrambled eggs and coffee while I dove in full-force with packing. My body has so had enough of this shit.

My mom and I took stuff over to the storage unit today, which made me feel so much better. This horrid first step toward the rest of my life is finally moving toward being over. That's all I want, really. For this misery that has been the last two and a half months to be over. Done.

My mom wanted me to come by to her house afterward, but I had a Skype date with my longtime friend Joachim.

I got home, despite wanting to fall face first into a pillow and not wake up for a week, I washed off of myself the dust, dirt and overall yuck that clings to you when you're moving things you haven't touched in years and turned on my computer for some long-overdue face time with my old friend.

We got onto the topic of my learning German and he went off trying to teach me. I was crazy tired and felt my normally insurmountable patience thinning with my lack of recent practice. I think he could sense this, as he's known me long enough to be able to tell, and he went on to explain that he just really wants me to succeed in learning his language.

Later on the call, I joked that I'd like to hang out with him if he still wants to hang out with me in October, and he countered with a musing that a lot can happen in 9 months. I asked what the hell he meant by that. He laughed and said he was joking, but then added that he'll be continuing to have his weekly chemo treatments and he may not be around by then, and I told him absolutely not. He is going to be healthy and fine in October, I won't let anything happen to him.

But a little part of my brain worried. Is his cancer worse than he's telling me? He's the type of guy who wouldn't tell me if it were, he's a very strong, silent German man.

The thought of him leaving my life, leaving this planet, cuts my heart like a cold knife and makes it ache in worry and panic. I can't bear the thought of not having him in my life. While he changed the subject and we talked about something else, my wheels began to turn to figure out a way I could get to Germany earlier. I needed to see him. Like, SEE him in front of me so I could hug him tight and let him know in person how much he means to me.

On a lighter note, I hung up with him to go have a lovely dinner “date” with my friend Brian. Brian, one of the last of the true gentlemen, cordially met me at my front door just as John was getting home. The timing...oh man. I didn't mean for that to happen. Waves of guilt washed over me as I grabbed my purse and hurried to the door, John watching from the couch taking off his shoes for the night.

The other day, I sort of tricked John into confessing that he was dating some girl (which I suspected was the real reason for him breaking up with me), and he had been not coming home until very late at night for many nights.

So while I'm not this kind of woman because I have a soul and stuff, the current situation with Brian - a distinguished, well-dressed attractive man driving a very expensive car rolling up to take me out in full view of John - really gave me more satisfaction than guilt.

Yeah, eat it you prick.

We set off to Sarita, a very nice restaurant that popped up in place of the old Players of Madison. The menu had an Italian-inspired fusion menu, and the service and the food were quite good. But more so I just very much enjoyed Brian's company. We told each other war stories and stories of our past, and to my surprise he used to work at TGI Friday's around the exact time that I did, and would hang out at Cupachino's – where I worked for four years straight out of high school - on a regular basis. And I don't remember him AT ALL, which is definitely strange because I absolutely never, EVER forget a face.

Anyway, it was such a lovely time and exactly what I needed; To just be treated like a lady again for a few hours.


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August 2016

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